One of the most common things I hear from clients who have experienced domestic violence is: "I didn't even realize it was abuse." And that makes complete sense. Most of us were taught that abuse means hitting — a black eye, a bruise, something you can see. But the reality is that abuse is far more complex, far more subtle, and far more common than we're often led to believe.

Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — refers to a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another. It occurs in relationships of all kinds: marriages, dating relationships, same-sex partnerships, and relationships that have already ended. It affects people of every background, income level, age, and gender.

The Many Forms of Abuse

When we expand our understanding of what abuse actually looks like, many people begin to recognize experiences they had dismissed, minimized, or rationalized for years.

Physical Abuse

This is the form most people recognize — hitting, slapping, pushing, choking, restraining, or any other use of physical force. It also includes destroying property, throwing objects, blocking exits, or using weapons. Physical abuse is often the last form to appear in a relationship. By the time it does, other forms of abuse have typically been in place for a long time.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

This is often the hardest to name because it leaves no visible marks. Emotional abuse includes:

• Constant criticism, humiliation, or name-calling
• Threats — to harm you, themselves, children, or pets
• Telling you that you're worthless, stupid, or "lucky" they stay with you
• Using your insecurities against you
• Making you feel like everything is your fault
• Denying or minimizing the abuse when you bring it up
• Extreme jealousy and accusations of infidelity

Coercive Control

Coercive control is a systematic pattern of behavior designed to isolate, intimidate, and dominate. It often looks like:

• Controlling who you see, where you go, and what you wear
• Monitoring your phone, email, or social media
• Isolating you from family and friends over time
• Making all major decisions without your input
• Treating you as a servant, demanding you account for every moment

Financial Abuse

Money is a powerful tool for control. Financial abuse includes preventing a partner from working, controlling all finances, creating debt in your name without consent, withholding basic necessities, or demanding that you ask permission for any purchase. This form of abuse can make leaving feel financially impossible — which is exactly the point.

Sexual Abuse

Abuse within intimate relationships includes any sexual act performed without consent, pressure or manipulation into sexual acts, or using sex as a way to shame or degrade. Consent is ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time — in any relationship, including marriage.

The Cycle of Abuse

One of the reasons domestic violence can be so disorienting is that it rarely looks like constant cruelty. Many abusive relationships follow a recognizable cycle that makes leaving feel confusing and complicated.

1. Tension building — A period of increasing tension, walking on eggshells, and trying to manage the abuser's moods
2. Incident — The abusive event itself, which can be verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual
3. Reconciliation (the "honeymoon phase") — Apologies, affection, promises to change, sometimes gifts or extra kindness
4. Calm — A quieter period where things seem better, reinforcing the hope that "it won't happen again"

This cycle can make victims feel like the person they fell in love with is still there — and that the abuse is an anomaly rather than a pattern. Over time, the calm and reconciliation phases often shorten, and the incidents become more severe.

Why Leaving Is Not Simple

People often ask: "Why doesn't she just leave?" That question misunderstands the reality of abuse. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship. Research consistently shows that the risk of serious harm escalates significantly when a victim attempts to leave.

Beyond physical danger, there are other very real barriers:

• Financial dependence or having no access to money
• Children and fears about custody
• Immigration status and fear of deportation
• Isolation from support systems that have been systematically destroyed
• Shame, self-blame, and internalized messages from the abuser
• Cultural or religious pressures to stay married
• Genuine love for the person and hope that they will change
• Threats to harm children, family, or pets if the person leaves

None of these are weaknesses. They are rational responses to an extremely complex situation. Leaving safely takes planning, support, and often multiple attempts.

Warning Signs in a Relationship

Abuse typically escalates over time. Early warning signs — sometimes called "red flags" — can include:

• Jealousy and possessiveness framed as love ("I just love you so much I can't stand the thought of you with anyone else")
• Moving very quickly in the relationship
• Trying to isolate you from people who know and care about you
• Frequent criticism masked as "just being honest" or "for your own good"
• Unpredictable moods that leave you feeling like you're constantly trying to avoid conflict
• Making you feel responsible for their emotions
• Dismissing your feelings as overreactions

The Impact on Mental Health

Living in an abusive relationship has profound effects on mental health. Survivors commonly experience depression, anxiety, PTSD, complex trauma, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting others long after the relationship has ended. The constant state of hypervigilance required to manage an abusive partner's moods rewires the nervous system over time.

In my work with trauma survivors, I see how the wounds of abuse can persist long after physical safety has been established. Healing is absolutely possible — but it requires real support, time, and care.

What Support Looks Like

If you recognize yourself or someone you love in any of this, please know: help exists, and you are not alone.

• Domestic violence hotlines — offer 24/7 support, safety planning, and referrals to local resources
• Trauma-informed therapy — working with a therapist who understands the dynamics of abuse and can help you process what you've experienced without judgment
• Safety planning — creating a thoughtful plan for leaving when the time is right, to minimize risk
• Local shelters and advocacy organizations — provide housing, legal advocacy, and support services

You deserve a relationship where you feel safe. If you're ready to talk about what you've experienced, I offer trauma-informed therapy for survivors of domestic abuse in the Denver and Longmont areas and statewide via telehealth. A free 15-minute consultation is available — no pressure, no judgment.